Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
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1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Lucky old June.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …