I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
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Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.