Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
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don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again