My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
You Might Also Like
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
They did not think through this water fountain
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.