Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
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According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister