her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
You Might Also Like
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.