CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
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i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with