Wish all of my viruses were this polite
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GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
this is funnier than any friends episode
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.