If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
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Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Herpes is trending, good job people
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.