Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
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The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET