[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
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Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it