Noah was an idiot.
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[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
No regrets in 2018
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Meanwhile in Canada…
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.