Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
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Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.