me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
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me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep