If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
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if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined