Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
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How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times