*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
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Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*