The internet is undefeated.. 😂
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Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.