Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
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i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
no
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion