152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
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they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Camping tip: No.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.