As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.