Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
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Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99