Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
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Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
dogs can find happiness so easily
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
The absolute effort that went into this omg
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?