The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
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Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants