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Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Based Erika
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”