doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
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“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors