my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
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[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.