“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
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Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Worth remembering.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.