Breakfast for Stoners:
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My first son he is wonderful
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh