“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
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I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*