I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.