Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
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[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
this is literally a CIA plant
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*