My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
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My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches