please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
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Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Sounds like a bargain
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI