Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
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He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Do not levitate over flowers
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
crazy
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.