“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
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I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Inside you there are two wolves
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
look at me when i’m typing to you
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.