don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
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Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?