Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
You Might Also Like
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
S O O N
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Finally!
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.