Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
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What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Owl Sanctuary
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”