Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
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Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I feel seen
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.