My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
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In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*