Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
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*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
God: you鈥檙e a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that鈥檚 like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it鈥檚 stuck in my head.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you鈥ou know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It鈥檚 for the Greta good
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
WIFE: It鈥檚 your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
*Inspirational Tweets*