Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
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Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault