The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
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Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
sensitive skin
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?