Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
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[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.