EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
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I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.