My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
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Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon