Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
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I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
courtroom exchange of the day
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.