kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
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TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.