I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
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Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Some people were born into their job.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.